The Kingdom Hall

The Kingdom Hall is a strange, surreal place.  For the first time visitor it must feel as though they've been transported to some weird version of the Truman Show.  All the men and boys appear to have stepped out of a Marks and Spencers menswear department and all the ladies and girls are dressed in long skirts, high tops and sensible shoes.  Most of them have a permanent smile as if they're experiencing a seriously mellow trip.

Normally, if you are a visitor, some spotty youth with a clammy handshake and a vacant expression will welcome you in, ask your name (which he promptly forgets) and point you in the general direction of the main hall.  He's the attendant, a teenager with potential to progress from mere publisher (a congregation member who engages in the door knocking but has no authority) to a Ministerial Servant (a congregation male member who still has no authority and is given the crap jobs but at least he's got a title).

Once inside the main hall the visitor will normally be engulfed by Sister Gush who will greet you like a long lost sibling and demand that you sit with her family.  Once she learns that said visitor is not even a Witness her gushing will increase exponentially as she tries to demonstrate how much love JW's have.

After extricating themselves from Sister Gushes grasp the visitor will quickly realise that there is an unwritten hierarchy within the hall in regards to the seating.  Certain congregation members have their own particular seat and if you should park yourself in it inadvertently they will make it known that they are not happy.  Of course, the individual seat will not have their name emblazoned upon it, in fact there will be no indication whatsoever that only one particular derrière is allowed to perch upon it - however everyone knows that your particular choice of seat, (after politely declining Sister Gush's seating demands),  is the sole domain of Sister Grim.  Your first realisation that you may have committed some cardinal error is the guffawing and sniggering amongst the younger teenage boys gathered in a huddle close to the sound system controls, whilst sneaking glances at both you and the tank like grandmother barrelling along the isle while fixing you with a stare that would unsettle a crocodile.

Once the visitor has been directed to a non-contentious chair their is a possibility but by no means a certainty that a congregation elder will introduce himself (a congregation male member who has progressed from the position of Ministerial Servant with no authority to Elder who is the equivalent of a religious policeman from a communist regime).  This introduction will seem friendly enough but beware - his main objective is to determine if you are trouble.  As the visitor shakes his hand they should observe the perfect parting, the crisp white shirt, the sharp crease of his suit trousers and the shine on his Hush Puppeys and think  - interrogation.

When the meeting begins the weirdness gets even more pronounced.  It starts with a song that is sung with considerable gusto by the tone deaf and mouthed silently by the rest.  Normally some older lady or gentleman, who fancy themselves as an operatic genius, try to drown out the rest of the congregation with warbles and bellows usually associated with a zoo.  By the end of the song most visitors will have developed a severe headache and bleeding from the ears.

Following the song will come a prayer.  Depending upon who is offering the prayer the visitor will hear a short, simple expression of thanks or a monologue that includes the name Jehovah every fourth word and gratitude for everything from life to lemonade.

If the visitor has arrived on a Sunday the format will include a half hour public talk and then a discussion of that weeks Watchtower study.  The public talk will normally be given by an elder and is based around a specific subject - the best one of which is sex.  These are hilarious as the elder has to tell the audience that only missionary position intercourse is allowed without actually naming oral, anal, BDSM, water sports etc, etc.  The poor man has to make this discussion last for half an hour despite the sniggering teenagers and blushing older ladies.

I'm sure that when the 'sex' talks are allocated it must be decided by some bizarre form of Russian Roulette amongst the body of elders.

After the talk it's the Watchtower discussion, before which there is another sing song that hurts your ears.

The Watchtower article is a question and answer discussion which the congregation members are encouraged to pre-study.  This means that it becomes a competition to see who has prepared the most impressive answer, or, for the young children, who's parents can prove that their child is the most spiritual.  The person who stands on the platform for this part of the meeting is called the study conductor and it is the most thankless job in the world.  At the end of the meeting he will be accused of favouring Sister Knowall because he asked her five times or hating someones kid because he never asks them to answer or not even looking at the folks in the back hall!  Yes - I hated conducting the Watchtower study!